Every time I pick up my camera I feel like an imposter. Every single time.

Like, if I could just record this wrestling match without anyone noticing me or my camera or the mic attached to it. If somehow everyone could read my mind and know where I want them to stand for the various shots I can see in my head.

If I could just be a photographer or videographer without having to be one.

People come up to me and ask me about my camera. They ask me if I am a professional photographer. I am not… I just Googled these new settings actually (sometimes that is the case).

Everyone is always so curious and positive. They think it is cool and ask if I could send them photos or videos. It is always well received.

I have gear that I could bring with me to his matches that would make everything easier and better BUT then I would really look like a photographer. There would be NO escaping. There would be no way for me to blend in with the other fans and coaches. It would be obvious.

And… it is intriguing why being obvious about doing something that you love is so uncomfortable.

I grab my camera and for a moment I pause and I question; are you sure you want to do this?

Yes.

– best version of myself

Snap. Snap.

I was at the gym this morning, after dropping Aiden off for weigh-ins. This particular AnytimeFitness is big and has a whole functional training section with bumper weights, etc.

I got off the treadmill and walk toward the weight section. There is a forward section with machines and then free weights and then at the end, by the wall, you have your functional training section.

Earlier this year, when I wrecked on my OneWheel, I broke my arm and dislocated a bone in my wrist. The broken bone healed and the wrist is getting better. It has been a slow recovery from the wrist. It turns out that is a super complex joint.

Since my accident I have been slowly building back strength and just recently began lifting weights. I can curl (wrist rotation), do controlled pressing motions and pulls, my legs are fine… The weights are a lot lighter than they used to be but everyday I feel more and more comfortable and stronger.

I look at the machines. I am comfortable there. The motion is controlled and no one really pays any attention to you. I see the free weights. I have been doing those, no issues there either. I look further and see the squat rack. What if I…

PAUSE.

I stop and immediately tell myself nah, it’s fine, another day. I haven’t deadlift in 7 months. And on top of that, it is the single loudest and most obnoxious exercise you could possibly do.

Clank. Clank. Clank… every time the bumper weights hit the floor.

The last thing I need right now is to draw attention to my recovering and weakened body. No thanks…

– caveman brain

I don’t know a single person there. Not only do I not know them what are the chances of seeing anyone again. I guess maybe one of these people might show up at the wrestling tournament. Chances are slim.

There has to be a first day back, right.

I look down at my phone, switch my Pandora station to Linkin Park.

Ok, are you sure you want to do this?

Yes.

– best version of myself

Clank. Clank.

I don’t know why I pause sometimes when it comes to the things I know I want to do. My theory of the case is that it is bc my caveman mind is trying to keep my fragile psyche ‘safe‘ by preventing me from encountering any danger.

Whether that danger is real or imagined. Whether it is in the form of unusual attention while taking photographs or doing deadlifts. Anything that pushes you a little more into the spot light and out of the assumed safety of hiding among the rest.

Even when I write these posts. Do I really need to write one of these today?

Yes.

Clickity. Click.

The thing about the pause is that you can feel it, identify it and move forward anyway. There is tremendous strength in that. You decide. You declare. Even if it is only to yourself at that moment that you are going to proceed. You are not going to hide today.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes.

– best version of yourself

Have you ever felt a pause before pursuing something that you wanted? Did you listen?

Don’t hide.

-Nate