I have managed my own website for almost 20 years now. And during that time it has been many things. Mostly it has served as a sandbox. This is where I got my start. This is where I experiment. This is where the familiar tension between creative expression and withdrawal is evident just by reviewing the frequency or lack thereof of the posts. That is how I learned how to code, first thought about design and products, and also where I started to write.

I owe a lot to this website. Random story but I was calling a septic company the other day to get an inspection done on a property we are buying. After giving the guy my email address he paused and said, ‘dude, you have your own domain.’ I doubt he knew how easy it is to register for one. That is something that I take for granted. Along with many other things.

Anyone could figure these things out.

My issue is that I am a generalist. It is both my greatest asset and also a constant source of confusion and aggravation. It is often the root of why I cannot constantly post content on, well, any platform. One day I might be building a custom farmhouse table and the next day I am shooting and editing a video and then maybe doing some database work or creating a custom map. Like, what in the hell…

You hear the word niche thrown around all the time. Find your niche. Stay in your niche. Niche. Niche. Niche.

What if you have 5 niches?

Sometimes, when I am deep into the self-loathing slump I wish I had one thing. Just one thing, give me one thing. If I had just one thing, I would certainly be consistent with a podcast, and YouTube videos and writing… and, and, and… it is that simple.

Of course… this is not the case. This is merely a carefully constructed excuse that has served me well for many years.

This type of ridiculous thinking reminds me of a poem I read in a book recently. It speaks to the utter insanity that is going on in our minds regarding the outside world and the people in it.

We Who Are Your Closest Friends

- Lopate, 1943

we who are
your closest friends
feel the time
has come to tell you
that every Thursday
we have been meeting
as a group
to devise ways
to keep you
in perpetual uncertainty
frustration
discontent and
torture
by neither loving you
as much as you want
nor cutting you adrift

your analyst is
in on it
plus your boyfriend
and your ex-husband
and we have pledged
to disappoint you
as long as you need us

in announcing our
association
we realize we have
placed in your hands
a possible antidote
against uncertainty
indeed against ourselves
but since our Thursday nights
have brought us
to a community of purpose
rare in itself
with you as
the natural center
we feel hopeful you
will continue to make
unreasonable
demands for affection
if not as a consequence
of your
disastrous personality

then for the good of the collective

‘We have been meeting as a group to devise ways to keep you in perpetual uncertainty…” – that is my favorite line. These are the thoughts that run through my head when I am struggling with what to make and for whom to make it. What would the audience think… I am not sure what audience I am so concerned with, but their opinion is certainly important.

You get so worried about how the game will end that you never even start it. Even at this moment, I am thinking, well this post doesn’t really vibe with your most recent posts…

There is no time. There is no time for this.

Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.

– Marcus Aurelius

Fitting to go from a 1943 poem to a Marcus Aurelius quote – speaks to the range of my interests. However, I think Marcus was right and that this could be applied here, as well. Why waste any time, arguing with myself over what I should or should not do. I should instead just do ‘it’ and whatever it is will reveal itself along the way.

Sometimes you can see the path before you take the step but sometimes you have to take the step to see the path.

– Me

It is so easy to fixate on the outcome and lose sight of the process. You don’t control the outcome. You control the process.

These three items were on my desk yesterday. They were not neatly arranged in an Instagram-worthy way (that was constructed) but they were all there at the same time. I was putting away some of my gear and my camera was sitting right next to these two books. One book on Stoicism and the other on data modeling. It was a perfect visual representation of the spectrum in which I operate on the daily.

There is a niche out there for videography. There is a niche out there for stoicism. There is a niche out there for data modeling.

But, I cannot operate in three spaces… oh, and don’t forget Jeeps and construction; add two more.

As I work through this dump of thoughts I feel compelled to come up with some form of great insight that all the sudden simplifies everything and then proclaim a newfound dedication to making whatever it is I am going to make. That is how all the pros do it. Hmm…

I am, however, reminded of something I heard the other day in passing. ‘A brand that is not for everyone’… the context of that statement was for a brand that creates physical products (men’s accessories, etc.). That keeps bouncing around in my head. Not for everyone.

Maybe, the deep and obvious insight is just that… this is not for everyone. I am not for everyone. The art that I make and the things that I talk about… not for everyone.

And that is, ok.

Let this serve as a reminder to myself and anyone else that is out there, create your art; it is not for everyone.

Nate