The right thing to do is often obvious. It’s not the choice that’s difficult so much as dealing with what the choice means.
We have to have a hard conversation. We have to break someone’s heart. We have to do something hard. We have to break out of the prison of how other people think we should live.
The price of avoiding these things is making yourself miserable. While the pain of dealing with reality is intense, it’s over rather quickly. The suffering of miserableness never really goes away.
The choice of being miserable is the bargain you strike with yourself to avoid pain.

-FS Newsletter

My buddy Doug sent me this via text message just the other day. He pulled it from the newsletter off of the Farnam Street blog. I get the newsletter too but there is something about receiving it via text message that makes it all the more important.

The choice of being miserable is the bargain you strike with yourself to avoid pain.

The above was all I wrote last night. I was so tired that I could not come up with coherent thoughts. I just went to sleep.

I do have a few thoughts…

The first is about introspection. Is it the case that we might be able to audit our current situations? Might we review our financial commitments, our relationships, our career decisions? Might there be some areas that we are avoiding because addressing them will be difficult?

I think that even if you don’t do anything about them to start…

Can you be honest with yourself? Can I be honest with myself?

The next is about the ripple effect. Once you have done a little thinking what are the areas that are disproportionately having a negative impact and causing you pain? Might it be the case that you are so miserable at work and so unsatisfied that you come home angry and bitter which makes you short with your kids and dismissive with your spouse? Might your financial decisions be causing you so much angst that you cannot sleep and are constantly waiting for the wheels to fall off?

I know this was the case with me for years because of my work. Instead of addressing the issue with my then CEO, I let it eat away at me. I am sure it bled into my marriage and my relationship with my boys. I hope that because of that experience I am more vigilant than before when it comes to this area. I won’t be perfect but I can easily be better.

The final thought is just about starting. I don’t think it is realistic to assume that just because you have identified some areas that you should address means you will. Come one now, we are human beings and totally irrational.

However, might there be an incremental step you can take to improve them? This will help you build some confidence and also teach you that you are stronger than you think. This might sound completely ridiculous BUT how about you try to prove some of your assumptions right. What do I mean by that?

If you think that your boss would never allow you to work from home 2 days a week. Ask them. Now, I wouldn’t just barge in there and demand it but think about your case and make a compelling argument. Validate and address any concerns they might have and ask them to try it out. What is the worst that can happen?

Or, if you really need help with your house, your kids, weight loss, whatever it is… chances are you know people that can help you. But have you asked? Or do you assume that they are going to say no, so why bother?! I can’t believe that my friends aren’t here to help me do this thing that I never asked for help with… same goes with family?! Why am I moving this furniture by myself? Where are my brothers?! Oh yea, I didn’t ask them to help.

If you start by just trying to prove yourself right with all these self-imposed assumptions and limitations what you will find is that you are in fact, wrong. Not about all of them… but there might be more flexibility in your job than you think, your parents might be happy to watch your kids for a weekend so you can get away with your wife, your friends might complain but they will come over and help you move that furniture.

I think what you will find is these micro-improvements will have a profound improvement on your overall quality of life. Maybe you don’t hate your job you just want to be home earlier. Maybe you don’t need to get a divorce you just need a weekend away.

Maybe things aren’t so bad after all.
Maybe you are more powerful than you think.
Maybe you have a lot more influence than you give yourself credit for.

OR maybe you are right. But, I doubt it.

Just start there. That is where I am starting.

-Nate